Saturday, April 23, 2011

What Happened to the Time?

Over the past 5-6 years I have received numerous tidbits of advice on parenting and childhood. Simply put, the advice I hear most frequently is , "Treasure the moments." And to be quite truthful I do and at times I don't. How could I honestly say that I treasure 2 hours of crying/fighting/whining/cleaning and more crying! That would be unreasonable. But I do attempt to see a bigger picture than just those blocks of time. Cherishing the looks, the sayings, the kind gestures that are occasionally exchanged, the moments they achieve something for the first time, their faces while they are peacefully sleeping. The moments that hit me when I think, 'these children are mine.......' High school memories a blurb and the single life a universe away, flash forward to parenthood. The moment my life began. And here I am almost 5 years later.

I constantly question myself, 'Am I doing things right? More importantly, 'Am I doing things wrong?' Then I quickly scold myself because by the time I think I have it figured out I realize I have wasted precious time concerning myself with things that don't matter. Are my children healthy and happy? I can confidently say yes. So I must be doing things right, right?

Even in knowing this, I can't help but feel guilt about one thing I know I have done wrong. By the time I knew what was happening it was too late to stop. Having children close together most certainly has its advantages, however, your daily life pace increases ten fold. Maddox was one year and 7 days old when Jaxon Carl came into this world. It didn't take me long to realize that I simply didn't have the time to do the things that I was able to do with Maddox during his first year. No monthly pictures, no scrap booking , no documenting of any sort. Nothing.

Recently a friend sent me a picture of Jaxon being held by a clown. I don't remember the day, where we were at or who we were with. I found myself struggling to pull memories of Jaxon as a baby. It was not that long ago. I believe I was in survival mode and just didn't know it or want to acknowledge it. Now don't get me wrong, I am and have been in survival mode for a long time. The difference is I know it now, I have worked harder to recognize it and I truly have made a effort to document more with the expansion of our family. Hence the blog.

Some nights I lay next to Jaxon while he is sleeping and can't help the overwhelmingly sad feeling that rushes over me. He has gotten so big and is so independent. He rarely needs or searches for my affection and I blame myself for being caught in the whirlwind of the past few years. I apologize to him and find it hard to leave his side some nights. I put his hand in mine and trace the outline of his little fingers struggling to remember the way they were as a pudgy baby, but careful to hold onto how they are now.

I've said it before, I welcome the progress, growing, changes and birthdays my children go through, but I can't and won't forget the days that I am going through now. These are not only the times I want to treasure, but most importantly,... the memories.

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